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Why can’t you just roll with it?

The ball flies into your hands. You feel the familiar seams on the leather and turn, eyes locking on that familiar orange circle. You bring your arms up in the familiar motion, prepare to release and GOOD GOD!! What is that?!?!?!? *GASP* Are her shorts … an inch shorter than the rest?? You fall to your knees and exclaim “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

A crack ripples down the court, the kraken is released, metal begins to bend, a real-life Sharknado ensues. Chaos.

At least, this is what the bright minds of the California Interscholastic Federation thought when they made the entirely unnecessary rule which states that a uniform must be worn “as the manufacturer intended,” and therefore, may not be rolled at the waistband.

This is just one in a string of useless rules implemented in high school basketball.

First, they told us we all had to wear the same color of undergarments like knee pads, compression leggings and undershirts. It didn’t matter WHAT the color was, they just all had to be the same. So, even though my white knee pads, which I had owned for several months in my freshman season, were in perfectly good condition and matched our home uniforms, I had to remove them minutes before the game, and play without protection on my knees.

Apparently, the color would give our team an advantage because it would distract the other team into making mistakes.

How small do they think our brains are? We’re not moths. We don’t put our entire lives on hold in search of a certain sequence on the visible light spectrum.

This was further embarrassed when a referee told my beloved friend Abby Bova that she had to color in the logo on her concussion headband, as if a square centimeter of white would be a significant factor in the subsequent basketball game.

All these rules are silly, but this short rolling thing is the last straw. These people are paid to keep players safe and keep the game under control. Why do they bother with regulating short length?

The only reason I’ve been presented with is to, I quote again, wear them “as the manufacturer intended. But why the hell do I have to do that?

If I buy an apple, and the manufacturer thinks I’m going to slice up that apple, but I just take a bite straight out of it instead, who is hurt? I gave them money in exchange for a product, so I should be able to do what I want with that product, and Del Monte can shove their intentions (use your imagination).

It’s not that I think this is capitalistic intrusion (which it sort of is) or that I feel my rights are being inhibited (which they sort of are), it’s just that I think it’s a stupid rule. It’s just stupid.

Like what kind of power trip are they on that they feel they have to control how we wear shorts? It’s so purposeless. I hate it. The end.