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"Oh, yes!"

"Twilight Can Suck It"

By Amanda Y.


Get it? They're vampires...they suck things.

This phenomenon that has experienced a meteoric rise in popularity worldwide means nothing to me except a few wasted hours of my life and many more wasted trees. I even feel pretty disgusted having to look up so many Twilight facts, which both Cliff notes and Spark notes have refrained from posting, yet they did have A Walk To Remember by Nicholas Sparks...curious, very curious. These overly sappy and overdramatic novels, which were, by the way, rejected by fourteen agents before being published (at least some people know how to do their job) and movies symbolize much of what I believe is wrong with people today.

To begin, the entire premise of the novel is that of forbidden love - how very original - but wait there's more! This scandalous, and I suppose life-threatening romance is shared between a mortal girl and vampire boy, but not just any vampire - I'm talking about Edward Cullen: the tall, pale, slightly socially awkward, and glittery vampire that nearly every girl, and some boys I'm sure, across the world can only dream about taking a juicy bite out of her (or his) neck. In the process of writing her novels, Stephanie Meyer broke nearly every mold that makes a vampire the perfect and iconic blend of mysterious and alluring, yet completely terrifying....and not even in a good way! She transformed one of the most masculine of all monsters and turned it into something of a complete pansy. And just saying, vampires do not glitter in the sun! They shrivel up and die! Vampires would not choose an animal's blood over a human, end of story! Vampires live in coffins and do not make me want to throw things! Vampires are monsters! Monsters! Monsters! Monsters! They are not high school boys, who as suggested by the film, forgot his anti-seizure medication and disregarded his need for speech therapy to fix his slight stutter; the same goes for costar, Kristen Stewart who I was convinced could have fallen to the floor, writhing at any given moment.

These works of "brain candy" as Mr. Geib would so lovingly refer to them ate riddled with cheesy quotes, endlessly dramatic characters, and predictable plot lines which I'm sure a small child could easily figure out. This could explain its appeal to children, given that they won numerous children's books awards...notice that these are not exactly high-level awards that say Shakespeare of Hemingway might earn. Quite possibly, the most difficult task for the reader is deducing what the word "opaque" may mean. Oh the humanity! I cannot even begin to fathom the degenerative effects that this so-called "saga" has had on the minds of those who have engulfed themselves in the not so thought provoking words of Stephanie Meyer. I cannot stand the cult-like following that has inexplicably sprung from the very depths of literary hell, which the obsession of so many has created. I cannot stand the stupid "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob” t-shirts that have invaded the closets of far too many fan girls. I cannot wait until this world's obsessive phase associated with Twilight hopefully ends.

To any Twilight fans out there: don't kill me. It's just my opinion.