sadness_8_by_scarabuss.jpg Tugging
Ugly. Ignore it, it’s nothing. Stupid. Ignore it, it’s stupid. Fat. Ignoring, but it hurts. Not good enough. Well…sometimes. Bitch. I can be really selfish. Slut. I’m easy. Ugly! My jaw…Short. I’m pretty much a munchkin, and can’t do anything about it. Lazy. I’m always tired, but I don’t even do anything. Weak. I can’t do anything. Pathetic. That's true, this is just me complaining. Flat. Unattractive. Unimpressive. Alone. Undesirable. Unsophisticated. Oblivious. Dead.
There’s a tugging behind my eyes. My stupid head is spinning. I need to throw up. Don’t let anyone know.
You’re afraid. You’re failing. People can see you. You’re so weird. You’re damaged beyond repair. You’re too weak to get up, and you’re too afraid to try.
This part of myself I can never be proud of. A part I hope no one can see.
You know who I really hate sometimes? Me.
I’m not suicidal or have any self destructive tendencies, and I am proud of who I am. But...
Still, there’s a shark in the water, keeping me from enjoying the beach.
I don’t know why I let myself keep feeding the shark. I guess it’s just a habit now.
The shark is my alter ego: jealous, lazy, apathetic yet cowardly, weak, dependent, needy, selfish, ugly, angry, hostile, condescending, rude and inconsiderate.
"Why have you complacent? Quit ballet? Get that B? Why didn't you study? You're never getting into a university. Really, who would want someone like you?"
"This blog isn't even good! Haha, what can you do right?"
When your best isn't good enough.
I don’t think I was always so tired or irritable.
I don’t think I was always so jealous and self centered.
I don’t think life was always like this...
Always tugging, tugging, tugging for more. More improvement, technology, intellect, possession, beauty…
And I’m tugging too. I’m just still trying to let go.