Nicholas+Z’s+2018+OpEd+Article

Recently, I’ve been obsessively analyzing issues such as gun control and suicide prevention for purposes not necessarily related to academics. The former is in light of recent events in society, while the latter is being researched for what I hope will eventually become a published article. I’m tired of constantly addressing and re-addressing the depressing and terrifying aspects of life. Thus, I decided to take a light-hearted approach to this assignment. For the longest time, I sat thinking about what I could write about. A muckraker mindset eventually led me to attack a sports franchise, because that’s the type of muckraker I feel like being at this moment in time. Give me a few months and I’ll willingly set out to find the real reason why your next-door neighbor gets so paranoid whenever the cops drive by. Investigative journalism, if you will. But this particular organization, in my opinion, flies under the radar and deserves much more scrutiny than they receive.



The Cleveland Browns of the National Football League ([|NFL]) are horrendous, untalented, substandard, second-rate, defective, faulty- I’m running out of synonyms for the word ‘bad,’ but you get the point. Because, frankly, that’s the deal here. As a business, franchise, or whatever you choose to label them, the Browns are an embarrassment. ‘Bad’ is simply not enough to encompass the poor business and executive decisions that have left a blemish on their unimpressive history.

Over the past three years, the Browns have played 48 games. They won a total of four of those games. Four wins opposed to 44 losses is absolutely laughable. By using indirect logic, you can assume that over those three years (2015-17), the Browns had a 9% chance of winning any game over that time period (of course, this is considered with hindsight).

Hypothetically (and statistically) speaking, let’s say you apply to Dartmouth College in November of 2017 and get a response letter one month later. Ironically, it falls on a day when the Browns have a game. Assuming the variables to be constant in regards to college acceptance (meaning the field of competition is relatively equal yet elite in terms of academic achievement, which is the case for most Ivy League schools), if you were to open the letter, you would have a better chance of getting into the prestigious Ivy League school (11.5%) than seeing the Browns win that football game (9%).

I know, I know. It’s a bit of a stretch, but it’s fun to entertain these types of perspectives.

With the salary caps that exist in today’s world of professional sports, it is absolutely inexcusable to have made no progress in an elongated period of time. You can only label it as a rebuilding period for so long. Over time, the “rebuilding” phrase becomes less and less credible and the fan base or ‘consumers’ begin to become annoyed.

Anyways, here’s how an average football fan would provide analysis of the worst franchise in sports.

“Wow, the Browns went 1-31 over the past two years under head coach Hue Jackson? That’s an abysmal mark. Anyone with common sense would fire that coach. Thank goodness he’s finally on his way out; maybe Cleveland can finally get on the right track.”

“Oh wait. He’s still there?”

That’s right! Hue Jackson wins one game out of 32 and he retains his job. I’d like to have that kind of job security in the future.

To become a successful franchise, having a talented and enduring quarterback is absolutely vital. The Browns do not have a solid quarterback, nor have they for a very, very long time. Here’s a list of quarterbacks who have started for Cleveland since 1999: Tim Couch, Ty Detmer, Doug Pederson (!), Spergon Wynn, Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia, [|Luke McCown], Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, [|Derek Anderson] , Ken Dorsey, Brady Quinn, Bruce Gradkowski, [|Colt McCoy] , Jake Delhomme, Seneca Wallace, [|Brandon Weeden] , Thaddeus Lewis, Jason Campbell, [|Brian Hoyer] , Johnny Manziel, [|Connor Shaw] , [|Josh McCown] , [|Austin Davis] , [|Robert Griffin III] , [|Cody Kessler] , DeShone Kizer, and Kevin Hogan.

That’s 28 different starting quarterbacks. To put it in perspective, here’s a list of quarterbacks who’ve started for the New England Patriots since 1999: Drew Bledsoe, Matt Cassel, and Tom Brady; a grand total of three, opposed to 28. Longevity is key. If it wasn’t, the Browns might have won five Super Bowls over that time span like the Patriots have. But it is. And we know the rest of the story.

I feel for the Browns fans when considering management at the executive level. Just a few years ago, I watched Chip Kelly dismantle the Eagles’ roster. Somehow, they were resurrected rather quickly and ended up winning Super Bowl LII. Who knows; maybe we could be saying the same about Cleveland a few years down the road. They fired their old GM, Sashi Brown, in December 2017. Maybe John Dorsey is the one.

But until then, the Cleveland Browns remain isolated and irrelevant. How bad has it gotten? Pretty bad. Fans in Cleveland this past year gathered for a “perfect season” parade to commemorate the Browns’ 0-16 campaign. Obviously, the irony is in the fact that it’s the exact opposite of a perfect season. However, Browns fans have probably learned to have no expectations for their team. Otherwise, how else would they be able to watch their team lose week in and week out?

To quote one of the wisest men to grace the earth:

// “Delete your franchise.” // -Troy Lindemann


 * // Editor's Note: The Browns are always the punchline in anything regarding sports. Don't believe me? See below. //**

Q: What does a Cleveland Browns fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl? A: He turns off the PlayStation 4.

Q: How do you know the Ohio State Police are seriously enforcing the speed limits into Cleveland? A: For the first offense, they give you two Browns tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q: Why can't *insert any Browns QB* use the phone anymore? A: Because he can't find the receiver.

Q: What's the best way to teach your dog to roll over and play dead? A: Have him watch a couple Cleveland Browns games.

Q: What do the Cleveland Browns and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common? A: Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.

Q: What do Alex Trebek and the Cleveland Browns head coach have in common? A: Both of their jobs are in Jeopardy.

Q: What did the Browns fan say after his team won the Super Bowl? A: "Dammit mom, why'd you wake me up? I was having an amazing dream!"