Elena+S's+OpEd+Article

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This isn’t about a person or a place or an event. This isn’t about joy or pain. This isn’t about love or hate. This about a thing….a dog.

Oh, but a dog is an ANIMAL, not a thing!!! Oh, but you haven’t met Jack. Jack is a THING. I really despise that dog, not hate, that’d be silly, but REALLY despise that damn dog.

He’s one of those floofy (flu-fii) dogs. Not poofy, not fluffy, floofy. An air head. He’s the kind of dog you secretly hope runs into the sliding glass door. He’s a little pansy. He shivers when he’s scared. REAL DOGS don’t show fear.

This thing has clothes! Clothes!!! It’s an ugly, furry, gassy, constipated baby. He has to go to a dog groomer’s to get his ear hair trimmed. His nose hair, his toe hair! And other erm… caudal hair.

It’s a mutal thing. He despises me too. He sprang at me for standing up, barked at me for sneezing. I call him various names that probably shouldn’t be repeated here. I also give him a single digit salute. But apparently my “communicator” finger is one of his precious protein sticks.

So Jack is one of THOSE dogs. Not quite as horrible as a Chihuahua that is begging for a metaphorical punt…but, oh god, Jack.

He has severe separation anxiety, which would be cute if his owner left for weeks. But she leaves the ROOM for a MINUTE and he almost faints.

Did I mention he has severe gas issues? And he wears clothes! Face: meet palm. Palm: meet face. Again? Sure. I really despise that dog. He has none of the vices I admire and all the virtues I despise.

He’s weak, idiotic, and paranoid. He doesn’t deserve to be deemed a dog. Dog? Right. More like rat. Except rats are intelligent. He has the paranoia of a snake, the ugliness of an aye-aye, and the stupidity of a seagull that just crashed into a window.

BUT: he lacks all the qualities that make all those other animals even MARGINALLY endearing.

I despise the thing. The floofy, pansy, little, cowardly THING.