Jordan+L’s+OpEd+Article

Sideburns – those cursed, infernal runoffs of excess hair that sag from the head, and droop off the ears like the leaves of weeping willows. They do little more for me than show their abhorrent, unkempt existences to where they do not belong. Is that what people are proud of? Do they attempt to mock the follicly challenged by strutting their repugnant little ear-beards? I find no place for them whatsoever in the world we now live in.

If people are going to take the time to shave their potential mustaches and beards, how could they possibly be so lazy as to not finish the job? Or is it some new fashion craze of which I’m simply not aware? I do grant that it may be saying something, but to me all it says is “Hi, I pride myself on looking like a ridiculous behemoth!” There’s a reason that Howard Wallowitz from the Big Bang theory has atrocious sideburns.

Mutton chops are by far the worst extremity. They’re for those who want the perks of owning a handle-bar mustache without the effort, maintenance, or inherit ability of possessing one. I imagine the texture of one against my hand to be the near-equivalent of the devil’s pointed tail piercing my palms whilst injecting my hand with lighter fluid as I simultaneous plunge it into a termite-ridden casket of burning hornets. I don’t mean that I don’t respect those who bear them, but I myself wouldn’t let myself be caught dead or alive with those malicious abominations creeping up the sides of my face. I end here, with an apology to those I may have offended, as I here curse any and all oversized sideburns to a slow, painful death by the blades of a razor.