Eric+B's+OpEd+Article

Filming of Convergence, my latest short film. Photo Cred: Joe S.

The Groans of Eric B.

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Filmmaking.

Everyone knows what a bad film is, but no one knows what a good film is! You know the feeling, at the theater when you laugh pathetically at the antics onscreen and why you paid ten dollars for the privilege of seeing a colossal failure that will go on to lose 100 million dollars of the unlucky studio’s money. If a good film was easy to make, everyone would make a good movie. It must be a really elusive goal, because big-budget films with 200 million dollar budgets can still fall short. A recent box office example includes “Mars needs Moms,” which is currently 120 million in the hole. Other films recently that may have been successful at the box office, but still sucked, include Due Date, with a plot more haphazard and dissatisfying than a one night stand with a dirty hooker. At least I won’t get any diseases from watching that horrible film. Having personally witnessed many great film train wrecks, I have come up with a list of good tactics to follow so that one does not end up with a film that makes the audience want to vomit.

1. Try to limit cussing; it will make the audience cringe or laugh. 2. Utilize closeup shots and cutaways to increase the dynamic of your film. 3. Don’t use noobs for acting. 4. When in doubt, do another take of the scene. 5. Don’t all gather around the camera to watch the last take. 6. Don’t take your film too seriously, be able to laugh at any absurd parts your film has. 7. Don’t bite off more than you or your audience can chill. Mobsters and CIA agents are out, you can’t pull them off. 8. DO use compelling dialogue. It is always fun to listen to a well written witty conversation. 9. None of that sappy story crap or any art films unless they give you “a boner while making you vomit.” – Masuka (from Dexter)

When followed in moderation, this list of rules will result in a decent film. Even the best laid plans go awry, so I understand if your film doesn’t turn out into the summer blockbuster you were hoping for. It takes an amazing amount of time an effort to make a film. For example, the film I made today which can be viewed here is only 23 seconds long, but took an hour to film and an hour to edit. Good luck!

Eric Birdsall