Cameron+B’s+2018+OpEd+Article



I don’t usually get mad, but this is a special case.

Puffer jackets. The beloved jackets that us rain-deprived Californians worship on a slightly cloudy day. The oh so famous staple of the Ventura community, produced by Patagonia itself. The trophy of a Trader Joe's hoe who's only worry is the price of organic apples as opposed to non-organic. But what you don’t know is that these jackets have deceiving us; taking advantage of our little experience with cold weather. They are evil. They are knitted from the lava foam of hell. Let me explain.

Puffer jackets are the most uncomfortable jackets in the history of the earth. Their poof is unbearable and restricting. It fills up the gap between your arms and your torso so you have to waddle around with your arms slightly raised. The north pole called, they want their penguin back. I am a very small person, and wearing a puffer jacket swallows me up. I look like a kid who lives in the snow, and his mother had just bundled him up to face the cold. Except, oh no, she forgot to cover my whole bottom half. I look like misshapen lollipop, and the misshapen lollipop look doesn’t do me any favors people! Also, they are so loud!!! If I wanted everyone to hear my every move, I would have just worn a cowbell around my neck. Honestly, that would look better than this god forsaken jacket. AND IT’S NOT EVEN WATERPROOF!!

It gets worse with the zipper. You just can’t win with the zipper. You look very silly if the jacket is all the way zipped up so you have to wear it slightly open, causing the rigid collar to make you look like Count Dracula. But this very collar does something a jacket should never do. Since it sticks out at such a weird angle and it is so close to the neck region, it scratches your jaw! Let me set up a scenario for you: You are having a peaceful walk in the park and then, BAM! You turn your head and feel the teeth of your jacket digging into your face. You shout and fall to the ground, as your life slowly ebbs out of your body. Your tears flooding down your face and onto your jacket, and it soaks them all up because it isn’t waterproof. It doesn't sound very fun, does it? Okay. It doesn’t actually hurt. It just brushes you slightly making you painfully aware of its presence, driving you mad. It is your own personal Bartleby.

And the sleeves. OHohohooh the sleeves are the worst part. The hem of the sleeves is a disgrace to all sleevekind. If it is too small it will cut off the circulation to your hand. If it is too big it rubs back and forth on your arm. It doesn’t quite give you a rash, but it feels like it will. AGAIN, only brushing you slightly making you painfully aware of its presence. It is the ring of sad puppies and crushed dreams. Yes, a ring. It is not malleable in the slightest. It keeps the integrity of it’s form in the worst kind of way, making you look like you have bubble blasters instead of arms. Oh, and I forgot to mention, if it does happen fit you perfectly, it actually will give you a rash.

Moral of the story is: I don’t like puffer jackets. And neither should you.

P.S. Yes I am aware the jacket in the photo is off-brand, but ALL puffer jackets (including Patagonia) will not be tolerated!