Emily+W's+OpEd+Article

Biting the Hand that Feeds: //The Life of Self-Important Cats//

media type="file" key="emilyw-muckraker-2011.mp3"

Self-entitled cats are the worst.

Sure, they may act innocent at first, looking at you with those big pathetic eyes, meowing the sweetest little note, and coyly rubbing against your arm in an almost convincing attempt at affection. But it is all an act. They are just trying to work the system to get something they want or to get away with something that they are about to do and know is wrong.

And that is just the thing, the cats know what they are going to do is unacceptable. This attempt at sweetness is just a premeditated plot to win you over before they blatantly disobey the established rules and regulations. They butter you up and then before you can stop them, they sit right on your computer keyboard, not only making it impossible to work but simultaneously pressing the “A” key until an entire page of your essay looks like a horror-movie-worthy scream. They are no where to be found for hours while you are cleaning your room, but as soon as you leave, they jump immediately onto the stack of freshly laundered, neatly folded clothes and cozy up as if they were about to spend the winter there.

Many times said cats do not even have the decency to act innocent. For the most part, they will purposely wait to perform any mischief until just the right time when they think you are not looking. However, they often become bolder and stare directly at you while they approach the out-of-bounds kitchen counter, a look of defiance in their eyes as they test your reaction as if daring you to stop them. They meow boisterously whenever you open the fridge, practically demanding that you give them some milk.

But even giving in to their requests does not lessen their complaining; this only causes it to increase. Let the cat sleep on the bed one time because the rest of the house was freezing, and they will take for granted this newly found territory and demand more in the future. Then they have the audacity to get mad at you for enforcing the rules. “You made me stop scratching the back of the sofa? Fine, I’m going to hiss at you!” Often times the self-entitled cat will overstep its boundaries and then reprimand you for even coming near. “Yes, I know you were trying to prop the book against your knee and finally finish the last twenty pages of //The Great Gatsby// but your lap is mine to sleep on. I will proceed to knead your legs with my paws, using my full claw extension. Oh, and if you so much as think of toughing me, even if it is to pet me, don’t be surprised when I try to bite your hand off.”

And yet for some indeterminate reason, we continue to feed and house these selfish, narcissistic, greedy animals. They are our responsibility to care for and we do so either out of habit, out of fear of the animal cruelty charges we would face otherwise, or because despite it all, we still have a shred of compassion toward these stupid self-entitled cats.