Madeline+O’s+2018+OpEd+Article



Why are these things so sexy?

I’m just an innocent child… and yet I am forced to look at these extremely sexual Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men… It seems as though every street corner has one of these irresistible figures dancing, waving, summoning, seducing…..

Imagine this: you’re just on your way to buy some Kirkland squeezable applesauce in bulk at costco when BOOM: As you drive past the Ventura Auto Center you see it... its twists and jerks and kinks could only be described as alluring. Your eyes are glued to its swaying and swooping. Its undulating body holds you in a trance and ts frisky flailing leaves you gaping in awe. When those tempting cartoon-like googly eyes meet yours, it sends shivers down your spine. You’ve never been more turned on in your life.

How are you supposed to concentrate on driving? How are you supposed to contain yourself? How are you supposed to refrain from jumping out of your moving car to pounce on the very sexy wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man who beckons you? It’s just too much sexy.

Yes, there is a such thing as too much sexy.

Not only are they a huge distraction, but these wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men set an unreachable standard for normal, non-wacky, non-waving, non-inflatable, non-arm waving, non-tube people; it’s not humanly possible to be that sexy, so displaying those wacky boys all around town just depresses people.

On a less important note, these things also happen to be purely and utterly evil. Here is a quote: “the devil doesn’t come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes disguised as everything you’ve ever wished for.” Or, in other words, he comes as a super seductive giant red wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man.

So, we must ban together to get rid of these beasts. These sexy, sexy beasts. Join the revolution.