Ian+O’s+2016+OpEd+Article



Is Bernie Sanders too old for you? Does Ted Cruz look too much like a slug? Then Vermin Supreme is the candidate for you! Having had experience campaigning in the past three elections, Verm shows strength, charisma, and wisdom. Despite only polling 41 votes in the 2008 Republican Primary and 1.4% of the votes in the 2012 Iowa Caucus, Verm pulled a whopping 259 votes in the New Hampshire Democratic Presidential Primary. This placed Verm in fourth right behind candidate Martin O’Malley. But now that O’Malley has dropped out, Mr. Supreme is currently third in standings for the Democratic Nomination.

First off, let’s take a look at the other two Democratic candidates, Sanders and Clinton. Sanders, at the age of 74, probably won’t live long enough to see through the four years of presidential duties. All of Sanders’ policies are placed far to left of center and he has never tasted defeat like Verm has. With a dramatic 71% polled for re-election as a U.S. senator, Sanders has no idea what it means to rise back up after a crushing defeat like the 1.4% Verm received in the 2012 Iowa Caucus. Being able to bounce back up after a tough loss and keep one’s hopes up is an incredible ability and one that Verm has displayed on numerous occasions.

The next candidate, Clinton, other than looking like Chancellor Palpatine’s long lost sister, obviously has no idea what she is doing. Wearing a blue jacket with a blue phone case does nothing to accentuate any sort of contrast in colors and where do I even begin with the design? It appears to be some sort of film tape, railroad track, or geometric thing.

This again is another one of Clinton’s meek attempts at trying to appeal to a younger generation like she did with her “Chillin' in Cedar Rapids” video. The fact of the matter is Hillary Clinton doesn’t get the younger generations. However, Verm Supreme, sporting a boot for a hat and an assortment of “cool” and “hip” ties is the candidate the younger generation have been calling for. Someone who truly understands us and is willing to fight for what we believe in.

Now that I have you all believing in his ability to crush the Democratic Primary, what makes him better than the Republican candidates? Let’s start with candidate Ben Carson, who believes that the Pyramids of Giza were used to store grain and even once attempted to stab someone in a class dispute as a kid. This kind of pugnacious attitude Carson displays will only lead the US to war and nuclear disaster. Next up is candidate Trump - well, he’s rather self-explanatory so I’ll skip him... leaving only Ted Cruz, whose family looks like the after photo of a Christian Mingle commercial.



All of these candidates have lied and betrayed you. Vermin Supreme is the only logical choice for our next President of the United States and with the help of voters like you and me, we can make the dream a reality.