Luke+H's+OpEd+Article



By Luke H.
 * Gas Pumped From Hell**

media type="file" key="lukeh-muckraker-2011.mp3"

Wana know what really chaps my hide? Gas stations. Their like small pits of hell. As you fill your tank with gas, the meter slowly sucks away your soul. I feel weaker every time I have to refuel! Its absurd. How can gas prices leap as high as Shannon Brown in the span of a few months? Are pirates forcing these oil men to walk the plank? Are giant squids devouring the tankers that transport us this liquid gold? I hope not!

Lemmi tell ya lil’ story. I drive a 1991 Chevy Suburban. It has a six inch lift, four wheel drive, and big ass tires. I have been told that birds drop from the skies when I start her up. This thing chews holes in the ozone layer. A group of tree huggers burst into tears one time when I was trolling around town. Anyway, this thing doesn't fool around with tricks when it comes to the meter. Last week Monday I was feelin pretty thrifty so I drove my one man convoy on over to Costco. Costco is glorious, its like 40 billion pennies less than anywhere else. I shoved the nozzle into the 35 gallon gas tank and read the DaVince Code cover to cover as I waited for the beasts’ thirst to be quenched. To my amazement the bill was one hundred twenty-three dollars and seven point six cents. I was in luck! It was thirty dollars cheaper than that gas station with the shell on it! Needless to say, its a little insulting to have to fill up my car every two weeks with bills like that of Costco and kids who drive Honda civics are giving lip because they had to pay twenty-five George Washingtons every month for there little rice burner to get around.

People of America I call upon you not to lend me your ears but your fists! Are you tired of being thrown under the bus by these Rockafellers? Do you grow weary of being manhandled by gas prices? I am! and I do! I have devised a devious plan that will cripple the oil industry and put it at its knees! I propose we scramble up the numbers on the signs and drive the gas station owners insane! We can then establish our own gas prices, this is a democracy right?! We can vote or something! Just imagine gas prices at negative fifty cents a gallon!