Bryan+S’s+2018+OpEd+Article

Saltraking with Formatting

By Bryan S (2018)

//Warning: This article (republished from The Dead Sea Times with permission) contains unnaturally high saline content that exceed recommended daily nutritional values. Proceed with caution. //



When God created the Earth, he commanded Adam and Eve to [1] love thy neighbor, [2] love thyself, [3] for the love of Christ, STOP PUTTING YELLOW ON WHITE, //I CAN’T READ THAT ``****``!//

Coming up, how 2 keep your documents from reeking like a festering garbage dump—straight from Salt Lake City; Population: one //very// salty inhabitant.

1. BE CONSISTENT! If you can’t keep your format together for //one// document, just give up keeping your life together. If every page looks like you managed to find something new to get high on, everybody’s gonna be too busy trying to straighten the mess out, and ain’t nobody gonna to understand. PRO TIP: There’s a menu between the scale box and the font drop down. That’s called your stylesheet. I’m sick of being your mom. //Use it.//

2. USE READABLE FONTS! Stop it with the indecipherable fonts that //nobody// can read. If all we’re doing is literally staring at your words, you might as well make it legible. Oh yeah, and if I see another academic paper in comic sans, there’ll be heads rolling tonight—//lots// of heads rolling tonight. If your font choices declare you are as mature as a third grader, ain’t nobody gonna believe you.

3. POSITION FOCUS APPROPRIATELY! Quit putting important stuff in the corner—somehow, somewhere, your projector or printer will find a way to lop it off. Then guess what? Ain’t nobody can read it. And while your at it, //triple check// that your titles, headings, body text, captions and whatever else you brewed up are clearly distinguishable. If everything is bolded, italicized, underlined, and in size 400 point font, ain’t nobody will know what to look at. PRO TIP: Order your information how your reader needs it. Don’t wait until the last page of your presentation to explain that key word you’ve been using in every sentence.

4. STOP WITH THE RAINBOW PUKE! More color ≠ better appearance. Quit being wishy washy and //stick to your color scheme//. If you can’t make good color schemes—let’s face it, who can?—//then use templates.// The designers didn’t just throw them in for the heck of it. And before you ship it off to your publisher, squint your eyes and try to read your text. If you can’t read it, then ain’t nobody else can.

And if a design decision isn’t resolved by these four pillars, tattoo this on the back of your hand:  //Form fits function.//

If it’s good enough for all of molecular biology, then its good enough for a bunch of lousy humans.