Blythe+B’s+2018+OpEd+Article



Frankly, it sucks that I’m scared all the damn time. I feel like I’m always scared, and I always have been.

I remember as a little tiny baby, I couldn’t be alone in a room or outside—especially outside— because I was petrified. Of what, I don’t know. But I remember playing in the bath as a child, and the fear that washed over me upon realizing my mom had left the room. I didn’t get out of the bath for hours—I couldn’t move. I think I was afraid that there would be a dinosaur outside the window.

And in elementary school, I used to be afraid to use the restroom at school. I thought that the bathrooms was a portal—when I come out, everyone would have disappeared, turned into dinosaurs, or something terrible like that.

In middle school, I forgot about an upcoming math test, and when it was passed out to us, I was so terrified of failing I made myself physically ill so that I could be excused to go home..

Two years ago, I had a massive 45-minute-long panic attack in front of 30 people because I was swimming in a lake and a rope touched my leg underwater.

Two months ago, I hit my knees against a table and I couldn’t stop crying for two whole hours. It didn’t even hurt. I literally had to skip Spanish class.

A month ago, I cried in front of the entire boys track team because I ran slower than I should’ve during a workout.

Last week I had a panic attack because a fly went in my eye during pace and I felt it die inside me. I’m pretty sure I’m haunted now.

Last night I had a panic attack because my pace for a 400 was 4 seconds slower than last week.

Today, I almost had a panic attack during my pace workout because I was starting to “fall off my group”.

It’s just so inconvenient. Sometimes I just cannot function because I am so overwhelmed with everything. It seems like the most trivial and ridiculous of things can set me off. The thing is though Big Important things don’t scare me. I turn into SuperBlythe and amend the situation as quickly as possible. When I had to go to the E.R. in fourth grade because I almost poked my eye out falling on a stick, I didn’t cry once. I was more tickled by the fact that I’d have another scar. But the thing is, I think I’m too scared not to be prepared in important situations. For example, I can’t freak out at the State meet, because if I’m a mess in such an important situation, I’ll become even more of a mess because I’ll be so scared that I’ve messed up.

The thing is, I don’t think it’s reasonable for me to feel like this. To entertain the possibility that one single workout is going to determine my entire future is ridiculous. But the thing is, that is how I feel, even though logically I know that that’s not the case. I wish I could stop myself from caring. I wish I could stop racing because it stresses me out to the point where my one good race a season becomes insignificant. I wish I could stop running competitively because, frankly, it’s soiling my love for running.

I wish I could hold in my tears after bad workouts. I wish I could stop myself from having a panic attack in front of the entire team because of one bad 400. But the thing is, I can’t. Because the thing is, once myself and others discovered the speed that I was capable of, my strength was exploited to further myself in college and for the prestige of it all. To say is I have a gift is unreasonable. To say I am in love, however, is accurate. I wish I could just run for myself. I wish I didn’t have to race 2 miles when I wish I could be doing 100. I wish I never had to step onto a track again- just stepping onto those candy-cane stripes raises my heart rate. I wish I wasn’t doing high school sports and I wish I didn’t have to go into college running.

The thing is, I’m so scared of running in college. I’m so scared of running in exchange for money. I’m scared of exploiting something so perfect, something I love so much. I’m scared of having bad workouts, because I feel like I’m choking if I don’t run fast. I’m so scared of my coach. I’m scared of getting yelled at. I’m scared of every race I participate in. I’m scared of not doing the right thing and I’m scared I won’t step up for my teammates. I’m scared that I won’t be able to control myself and quit. I’m scared that I’ll be dropped down from my pace group because I had a bad race. I’m scared of disappointing my Coach. I’m more scared of disappointing myself.

I’ve always been an extremely paranoid person, but I’ve always thought I’d outgrow it. Because paranoia can be outgrown, right? Right?!