Clare+K’s+2016+OpEd+Article

We have a problem. A huge problem.

What the hell is up with all the lies in pad and tampon commercials?

Yeah, Kotex, Always and Tampax- //I’m talking to you.//

First off, blue liquid?!?! If you won’t make it red, then why not something cute and fun, maybe with some sparkles? Why not a rainbow? The blue looks ridiculous, like the way the water in the toilet bowl does after you (Ok, let’s be real, your mother) completes the heinous task of cleaning it. Is that what you want people to associate with your products?

Just like Game of Thrones, right?

Not to mention that secret blue potion, is way too thin and clean to “simulate” an actual period. Unless your company is run by men and colorblind seven-year-old girls, someone has to know that sugarless Kool-Aid is NOTHING like the real thing and your application of it leaves a lot to be desired. I don’t understand what you are trying to accomplish with that delicate and graceful pouring. Where is the gushing? The almost leaking? The goop? WHAT ABOUT THE CHUNKS?!?!?! (Yes boys, you read that correctly- chunks.)

Secondly, those wrappers. You advertise that your products are “discrete and barely there”. Don’t try and fuck with me, we all know those wrappers make a sound akin to a giant stomping on empty chip bags while wearing cellophane shoes and ripping duct tape off human flesh. And yes, we all know there’s //one// brand that makes a supposedly “quiet wrappers” for their pads- we also know how much their pads suck.

It’s cute to try and make girls more excited about their periods by making the wrappers bright and colorful with cute prints, but those things are like fireworks on steroids. It’s obnoxious. You drop one of those things of the ground and the entire world knows it’s there. Ask anyone who knows me, they’ll tell you I’m all for breaking the period taboo and whatnot; just not while I’m cranky and sleep-deprived while experiencing a level of pain and hormone confusion that makes me want to murder someone just for kicks and maybe because they stood a little too close to me.

That another problem. Those girls in you show twirling around in a sparkly meadow wearing white dresses, I know for a fact those girls don’t have blood gushing out from between their legs. I also know they aren’t wearing your products.

No girl anywhere is enough of an idiot to think that they can safely wear white in conjunction with your products- I have just enough faith in humanity to know that might as well be a scientific fact. Those things fail ALL THE TIME and when they do it’s like a murder scene.

Let me paint you a word picture. The sweet gift Mother Nature sends me each month does not, in any way make me smile, nor does it make me twirl. In fact, I try to refrain from anything more than mandatory physical activity while on my period, because the thought of moving while my uterus is doing fierce battle with my lack of desire to get pregnant is akin to torture. The only time I do anything remotely closed to that happy jumping, twirling or dancing is when I’m leaping toward the closest bottle of painkillers or the dark chocolate that the internet says actually relieves cramps.

No Dad, I really can't get up. Don’t even get me started on the smell. I know for a fact, that smell is not my blood- that smell is something you put in your pads and tampons reacting with my blood. What is it exactly? Who knows since you aren’t legally required to provide a list of ingredients. Luckily for me (and other “people with periods”) there are muckrakers out there willing to do the dirty work and discover you use things like dioxin and other //cancer//-causing chemicals. Not to mention that little fine print monster called Toxic Shock Syndrome. I don’t care how rare it is, **//it shouldn’t exist in the first place//**. All I can assume is that the FDA is terrible at their job or you all have secret ninja capabilities and can slip beneath the radar as you’ve managed to get away with this for so many years.

Luckily for me, I don’t have to come near your products anymore (thank you, cloth pads and menstrual cups), but do all the girls that aren’t quite as “zero waste” inclined as me a favor. Don’t try and pretend menstruation is something that it’s not. Don’t try and advertise your products as something lovely- it’s not like you need help making sales, until free-bleeding and reusable products become mainstream (really doubtful) the majority of menstruating people will need you products, so it doesn’t matter that they are atrocious.



//And please, DO NOT under any circumstances tell menstruation she’s no big deal, you should know by now that she gets offended easily.//